


The Painful Love of Ren Jinguji

by Saku801



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Cute Confession, Healing, M/M, Pain, Unrequited Love, terrible rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:57:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7775170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saku801/pseuds/Saku801
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ren lay in bed, listening to the rain pound against the windows.  He couldn't sleep thanks to both the weather, and the other man sleeping in the room.<br/>Masato was across the room from Ren, but his presence was so strong, or more accurately Ren was focused on Masato.<br/>His love had been unrequited for quite a while.  He developed feelings for his childhood friend once they began at Shining Academy, and living in the same room.<br/>He knew Masato was interested in Haruka, and women in general, unlike himself.  Ren flirted with the ladies because he enjoyed the attention.  He liked to feel important.  It made him feel less alone in a world where his sexuality could cause people to dislike him.  He hid himself within a garden of beautiful, ladylike roses to distract himself from what he truly desired. He tried to look the part of a playboy, with ladies fawning over him, and he perfected the roll to a tee.<br/>Being so close to Masato, someone who already meant a lot to him, rekindled wants and desires he had tried to get rid of for many years. Yet without even trying to, or knowing for that matter, Masato dragged the feelings to the surface of Ren's heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Painful Love of Ren Jinguji

**Author's Note:**

> I feel absolutely terrible writing this because I caused Ren so much pain. Oddly enough it was really fun to write and I'm super happy with the outcome. I rarely write angst and painful feelings because I like happy boys but this just fit so well so I ran with it. I hope you enjoy the painful feelings of Ren's unrequited love  
> I am planning a sequel to this as well and the link will be here when that happens.

Ren lay in bed, listening to the rain pound against the windows.  He couldn't sleep thanks to both the weather, and the other man sleeping in the room.   
Masato was across the room from Ren, but his presence was so strong, or more accurately Ren was focused on Masato.    
His love had been unrequited for quite a while.  He developed feelings for his childhood friend once they began at Shining Academy, and living in the same room.   
He knew Masato was interested in Haruka, and women in general, unlike himself.  Ren flirted with the ladies because he enjoyed the attention.  He liked to feel important.  It made him feel less alone in a world where his sexuality could cause people to dislike him.  He hid himself within a garden of beautiful, ladylike roses to distract himself from what he truly desired. He tried to look the part of a playboy, with ladies fawning over him, and he perfected the roll to a tee.   
Being so close to Masato, someone who already meant a lot to him, rekindled wants and desires he had tried to get rid of for many years. Yet without even trying to, or knowing for that matter, Masato dragged the feelings to the surface of Ren's heart.   
  
He was usually able to sleep with no issues but tonight was different.  Ren wanted so desperately to lay his hands on the blue haired male,  and feel his supple skin beneath his hands.  To grasp those delicate yet strong hands within his own and guide them down his body.   
Ren shivered as he thought of how he could feel Masato intimately. He never could tell his friend his true feelings however.  That would change things between them forever. Masato was so refined and proper that Ren knew he would be rejected outright.  The thought of losing his current relationship with Masato hurt much more than the pain of unrequited love.   
Ren closed his eyes and sighed.  As tired as he was, sleep would not come.   
He figured since he was awake, and fantasizing about touching the man he loved, that he would relieve some stress and pent up sexual tension.   
  
Ren grabbed the tissue box which was close, and placed it by his pillow.  He turned his back to the side of the room and only uncovered his front side. He was never loud when he did this,  but didn't want the one he cared so much for to wake up to see him jerking off. He pushed his boxers down just enough to get at his cock and slowly began stroking it all the way from the head to the base. Ren was in no rush, as he couldn't sleep anyways.  He wished Masato was the one to touch him like this, with shaking and hesitant hands, but knew it would never be a reality. He felt a little guilty that he was fantasizing about the other male as he touched himself, but knew Masato would never find out so he continued without thinking much of it. He breathed a little harder than usual, holding himself back a little less due to the noisy storm outside. Ren knew his body well, and knew just where to press a little harder to make things feel even better. The underside of his balls were one place that a little pressure made it feel even more pleasurable. He kneaded his balls as he slowly stroked his leaking slit with his thumb, biting his lip as he did so.   
He imagined Masato placing his hands on his supple pecks, and kissing his collarbone.  The thought made him shudder, and he let out a low moan as he began to stroke his cock with both hands. His precum had made it slippery and easy to stroke now, which made him feel even more pleasure.   
He bucked his hips up into his hands to create even more friction.  His breaths were getting heavy and laboured as he worked to bring himself to his climax. He rolled onto his back for a better angle and stroked himself hard. He arched his back off the mattress as pleasure welled within him. 

Just then there was a loud crack of thunder, and Ren took the opportunity to call out Masato's name as he stroked himself with one hand, and played with his nipples with the other. His face burned with the embarrassment of what he had just done but he felt oddly satisfied even though he had not climaxed yet. He continued to stroke himself, paying special attention to the tip, as he felt particularly good when he stroked his slit.   
He reeled his head back and let go of his nipple as he felt the heat pool in his crotch.   
He fumbled to find the tissues as he held back his voice.  He failed at finding the tissue box which was right by his head, and he released all over his hand and chest.  It felt so good to freely release and he let out a content sigh as he came down from his pleasure high. 

  
"Damn..." Ren pushed himself up with his clean hand and threw the covers off.    
His chest was covered in his cum and tissues wouldn't clean that off.  He pulled his boxers up, stood up and headed to the washroom. 

 

  
***

 

  
Masato had awoken due to the loud crack of thunder, and he could hear Ren rustling in his bed, but thought nothing of it. 

  
"Damn." He heard Ren muse a few moments later. His roommate then got up and headed for the bathroom. Masato, who had opened his eyes, was facing towards the others bed and saw that his chest looked wet in the moonlight.  He quickly closed his eyes so Ren wouldn't realize he was awake.   
As the footsteps got quieter, Masato heard a faint "I'm sorry" come from the other male.   
Masato wondered what it was about but wasn't about to ask Ren about it.  He rolled over and easily got back to sleep before Ren returned to their sleeping area. 

 

  
  
***

 

  
Ren continued to keep his feelings to himself and every so often indulging himself in his thoughts of what would never be. A few months since the thunderstorm, things had not changed. Practice with STARISH was as normal as ever, and Ren continued to play the role of playboy as he always had.   
The pain of living with who he loved never subsided, but he leaned to deal with it.   
After a concert rehearsal at the venue one day, Tokiya approached Ren and he asked to speak to him alone. They went to the stage, which was now empty. 

  
"What's so important you need to see me alone, Tokki?" Ren questioned with a small smile. 

  
"I don't think there's any use in me trying to hide this from you anymore." Tokiya was serious and very straight forward. His deep blue eyed were focused on Ren’s. 

  
"Yeah?" Ren had no idea what Tokiya had been hiding from him, but the other male had piqued his interest. 

  
"I seem to have fallen for you, Ren." Tokiya didn't break eye contact but his cheeks flushed as he spoke. "I've never seen you spending quality time with anyone...  So I thought I may as well tell you how I feel."

  
"Tokki..." Ren was shocked.  Tokiya had never acted in a way that would suggest he had feelings for Ren. He stood there, speechless as Tokiya's deep blue eyes held his own light blue ones. 

  
"I was hoping you would allow me to take you out.  I want to date you, Ren." Tokiya's statement was so powerful and full of his feelings that Ren couldn't respond. 

  
"I don't expect an answer right away as I've never done anything to let on my feelings. I can see I have surprised you. Please give it some serious thought. And take your time. Thank you for hearing me out." He smiled, slightly bowed, and left the stage. Tokiya's heart had been racing the entire time but he felt his confident attitude would be better than acting shy, as he was not shy about his feelings.   
  
Ren stood there for a moment with his thoughts.   
He had no idea Tokiya had feelings for him, and was surprised at how well the other male hid it. He also thought it no surprise at the same time, as the act Ren put on to hide his feelings from Masato and his sexuality from the world was similar. He didn't find it surprising that Tokiya was not straight either, as he put on an act himself to communicate and interest in ladies. He couldn't possibly date Tokiya when he harboured such strong feelings for Masato. Ren soon left the stage and continued on his way.  
  
As the week went on, Ren kept thinking about Tokiya's confession. Tokiya was so serious in his confession it was clear he had thought long and hard about telling Ren his feelings. He never had the chance to feel normal and in love before. He had always felt he had to hide who he was because others wouldn't accept him as readily as they do now. He hid who he was for the sake of being accepted, because he feared loneliness the most.  He didn't want to end up alone. That's why Tokiya's confession impacted him so hard. Ren's feelings for Masato had not subsided, but he thought about the possibility of dating Tokiya. Being with Tokiya could make him feel like a normal man, who could be himself finally.  He could flirt with Tokiya the way he did with the ladies, but actually mean it. It was so tempting for Ren to go tell Tokiya he would date him.  He wanted to feel normal, and enjoy dates like any normal teen would. Tokiya's confession had given him this opportunity to feel normal for once. Still, he didn't think that he would really be into it because his feelings wouldn't be there.  Despite that he wanted to accept Tokiya's proposal. He was conflicted, and he couldn't go talk to Tokiya until he figured out what he wanted to do. 

 

  
***

 

  
It had been over two weeks since Tokiya's confession and Ren was still unsure about what to do.  He actually thought he may be able to fall for Tokiya if he spent more time with him, but knew he would need to get over Masato before he could do that.  It was clear to him that his feelings were not so easy to get rid of, as he had tried before with no avail. He didn't want to string Tokiya on whole he figured things out, but realized all this waiting must be hard for Tokiya even though he said to take his time. Ren had finally made up his mind and went off to find Tokiya. Tokiya was sitting in the gazebo by the lake when Ren finally found him. He was on the process of writing lyrics, and singing phrases as he did so. 

  
"Hey, Tokki." Ren approached with a small smile.

  
"Hi, Ren." Tokiya looked a little embarrassed. 

  
"May I join you?" Ren asked politely. 

  
"Of course." Tokiya responded, closing his song book and focusing on Ren. Ren sat across from Tokiya in the gazebo. 

  
"So I've been thinking, about what you said before." Ren looked seriously at the one awaiting his reply. 

  
"And?" Tokiya's heart began beating quickly.  He had no idea of what Ren would say, but he was at least glad he was getting an answer.  The past two weeks had been extremely long for him. 

  
"One date. To see how compatible we are." Ren stated. "I don't know how I feel about you Tokki. I don't spend enough time with just you to determine how I feel. So let me take you out for a nice dinner and let's have a date." Ren smiled gently at the other male, whose body had visibly relaxed as Ren spoke. 

  
"Thank you for your answer.  I look forward to our date." Tokiya smiled and blushed. 

  
"I'll plan it, so please make sure your Saturday night is free."

  
"Are you sure?  I was the one who-"

  
"It's the least I can do for making you wait so long." Ren cut him off. "What kind of food would you prefer?" 

  
"Mn...  Italian maybe?" Tokiya grinned and looked away from Ren for a moment. 

  
"Alright. I'll make reservations for 5pm. Please plan to wear a suit." Ren winked and stood up. 

  
"Won't you stay for a while?" Tokiya protested Ren's leaving. 

  
"Sorry Tokki, I can't. Work." He walked over to the other and ruffled his hair before walking away. 

  
"Mn..." Tokiya nodded as Ren walked away.  Even though the contact was brief, he enjoyed the touch he received from Ren and it made him so happy he had this date with the man he cared so much for.  He knew the days leading up to Saturday would seem very long. 

  
Ren headed to his room and wrote a note to himself about booking an Italian place for them.  He then headed off to the job he had to do. Even though he wasn't sure if the date with Tokiya would actually work out, he wasn't about to shrug it off.  He respected Tokiya's feelings and wanted to show the other he respected them, even though his may not develop in the same way. He still felt bad about betraying himself and his feelings for Masato, but he realized things would never change for him if he sat back and did nothing. With these conflicting feelings he went forth and booked the nicest Italian place he could find after he returned from his job. 

 

  
***

 

  
Ren sat in the common room, in an off white suit and a dark orange tie that suited him perfectly. His hair was braided on one side and neatly tied back in a low ponytail. He stared up at the ceiling as he waited for Tokiya to show up.  They had agreed to meet there at 4:30 and head to the restaurant.  Ren had gotten there early, as he didn't want to make Tokiya wait. 

  
"Sorry to keep you." Tokiya walked into the room wearing a stunning dark purple suit that was almost black. He wore a bowtie in a light shade of purple and a white shirt. His cheeks were a little flushed at the sight of the other male. 

  
"I wasn't waiting long, Tokki.  It's alright." Ren stood up and walked over to the other male.  He smiled and held out his arm for Tokiya to take. Hesitantly Tokiya slipped his arm into the hole Ren left between his arm and his body. Tokiya was rather stiff and seemed to be a little awkward about this, which amused Ren a little. 

  
"Don't be so stiff. You're here to enjoy yourself, not remain on your toes all evening." Ren reassured Tokiya that things were okay. 

  
"I've never been close to someone like this before however. What if someone sees us?" Tokiya looked at Ren as they walked. 

  
"You're not ready to be out?" Ren asked, genuinely curious. 

  
"It's not quite that..." Tokiya looked back to where they were walking. "Our images will change if people see us like this."

  
"That's true..." Ren mused as he pondered.  This could completely shatter the act he had put on for so long. He hadn't thought of that before.  He was only concerned about making sure Tokiya would have a good time on their date. "But that's alright." He responded a moment later. 

  
"But we're idols... It would..." Tokiya started but Ren cut him off. 

  
"You confessed because you like me.  Why would you now want to hide these feelings?  Is being gay so wrong you wanna hide it from everyone?  We're normal too, Tokki." Ren said with conviction, almost angrily. His words completely contradicted his actions up until this point, which made him agitated. He was being contradictory, or more accurately he said the words he most wanted to hear said to him. He wanted to feel normal.  He didn't want to hide his sexuality or his feelings for fear of public backlash. He couldn't be himself until he confessed to Masato, which he knew he couldn't do without losing the male as a close friend forever.   
Tokiya just stopped walking and looked at Ren for a moment, his arm still linked with the others. 

  
"That's right...  We are." Tokiya smiled sweetly.  "I was over thinking it. Sorry." Tokiya felt so much more relieved, even though Ren's words were said in a somewhat harsh tone.  He realized that Ren was right, and they should be able to have a date like any normal couple. 

  
"Come on.  I prepared a car." Ren started walking again.  Tokiya kept up and even grasped Ren's arm with his other hand. They got into a vehicle that had a driver waiting and they headed to the restaurant. 

  
"Ren, I had no idea you were interested in men, especially since you're always surrounded by ladies." Tokiya commented as they headed to their destination. 

  
"It's a rouse. The ladies attention is nice anyways. Why reveal yourself as gay until it is absolutely necessary." He winked at Tokiya and reached over to grasp the other male's hand.  Tokiya's cheeks darkened once more as Ren grabbed his hand and held it tight. "It's the same for you, you never had a reason to reveal your sexuality before, did you?" 

  
"That's right...  Yeah." Tokiya nodded. "I never thought you would actually agree to go out on a date with me though...  So I'm still rather shocked." Tokiya admitted.  He only talked about his feelings when necessary so Ren knew what he was saying was important. 

  
"Well, here we are.  And instead of being shocked, just enjoy our date." Ren smiled genuinely at Tokiya. He could feel Tokiya's nervousness about holding hands, as his hand was becoming a little sweaty. Ren on the other hand felt nothing from holding Tokiya's hand, but for Tokiya's sake didn't want to let go.  Ren didn't expect his feelings to change after one date, but he figured he would know if he would enjoy spending more time with Tokiya and hoping for the development of reciprocated feelings.   
  
They chatted a little more until the vehicle arrived at the restaurant. Ren let go of Tokiya's hand before they got out. He knew Tokiya would be a little on edge considering they were now out in public so he refrained from grasping his hand again. The place was clearly very high end, and the atmosphere very authentic of an Italian restaurant. They were promptly seated out on the second floor veranda, where lights on strings lit the outdoor seating area.  A single candle was lit on the table as they sat down. 

  
"This place is amazing..." Tokiya looked a Ren bashfully as the waiter left them to look over the menu.

  
"I hope you enjoy it.  I found the best Italian place in the area." Ren smiled sweetly at his date.  So far spending time with Tokiya was nice, and they realized they had a lot more in common than they originally thought.  They had always gotten along after Tokiya had come clean about being HAYATO, but he now realized they were much more compatible than he first thought. 

  
"The atmosphere is really romantic...  Thank you Ren." Tokiya blushed as he spoke. Ren didn't know that the other idol could be so bashful and he actually found it quite amusing. 

  
"You're thanking me way too early in the evening, Tokki." Ren smirked as he looked down at the menu. "And it’s my treat, so you get whatever you like."

  
"You're seriously too kind." Tokiya smiled back, relaxing a little as he looked over the menu.  They ordered, and talked some more.  It was clear the two had lots to talk about, from STARISH, to music, even to hobbies. It was clear they could spend lots of time together and both enjoy themselves. 

  
Food arrived and they ate while they talked some more. Ren had gotten a light parmigiana pasta with chicken, and Tokiya had a creamy tomato penne.  They both clearly enjoyed their food and each other’s company. 

Once they finished their dinner Ren spoke up again. "You up for desert, Tokki?" He asked with a smirk as he took a sip of his water. 

  
"A little I suppose." Tokiya responded, wiping his lips of any sauce that may be remaining. 

  
"Care to share?" 

  
"That sounds perfect." 

  
They looked over the desert menu and decided on a raspberry compote cheesecake. Ren ordered, and he stressed that it was to share. The waiter seemed a little shocked but honoured their request and brought two spoons. Ren grabbed both spoons before Tokiya could get his. 

  
"Ren?" He looked confused at the other. 

  
"You'll see." Ren smirked as he took some of the desert onto the spoon.  He held it across the table. 

  
"How could I?" Tokiya protested, his face turning a deep red. 

  
"Just say ahh." Ren smiled playfully.  Tokiya's bashful reactions were very amusing. 

  
"I won't get desert otherwise will I?" He inquired.

  
"Nope~" Ren moved the spoon a little closer to Tokiya. Tokiya awkwardly opened his mouth and Ren gently rested the spoon on his tongue.  Tokiya closed his mouth and Ren then let go of the spoon, giving the other the freedom to eat himself.  Ren smiled, content with what he had done, and how Tokiya had reacted. He watched Tokiya eat a little more before he tried the desert.  It was delicious.  Before long there was none left on the plate, and Tokiya's blush had dissipated.   
Ren soon paid and they left the restaurant. 

  
It was a nice night so Ren suggested they go for a walk in a nearby park. Tokiya agreed with him.  He hesitantly linked arms with Ren as they walked to their destination. It was dark out by this point.  The park was well lit, and full of blooming flowers. There was a fountain in the middle which they decided to sit by on a bench. 

  
"Thank you Ren.  That was such a lovely dinner." Tokiya smiled. 

  
"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Ren stretched himself out and naturally placed an arm around Tokiya's shoulders. 

  
"I hate to admit this, but I was very nervous. I've never been on a date before." Tokiya stated, looking at Ren. 

  
"Well I've never gone on a date either. I just did my research." Ren smiled. "It's not easy when you're popular in that age range where teens usually start dating, and it's increasingly difficult being gay.  So don't be hard on yourself."

  
"Ren... Thank you." Tokiya took a visibly deep breath as if he were readying himself for something. He then leaned towards Ren, beginning to close his eyes. In that moment Ren realized he had done something terrible, and instantly regretted it. He quickly placed a finger to Tokiya's lips to stop the kiss. Tokiya looked rather dumbfounded at Ren's response. He removed his arm from around Tokiya's shoulder and rested both his elbows on his thighs. 

  
"Tokki...  I'm terribly sorry." Ren had his face in his hands and he was clearly upset with himself. "I can't kiss you if the feelings aren't mutual." He began, his voice shaky. "I lead you on with false hopes...  And I feel terrible for that." He leaned back up, seemingly a little more composed.  He looked seriously at Tokiya. "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together but my heart just wasn't in it. I didn't mean to deceive you, but my actions spoke otherwise.  It wasn't right of me to accept your date proposal, and I'm sorry." As Ren spoke, he could see Tokiya's expression change.  It was clear Tokiya was deeply hurt. 

  
"I see." He nodded, looking away from Ren. "Thank you, for your honesty." Tokiya's voice sounded like it was about to break. 

  
"I know this must hurt, but please understand where I'm coming from." Ren breathed a sigh,  as he was about to reveal his most dear secret but he felt like he owed Tokiya for what he had done. "I've been in love with Masato since shortly after starting at Shining Academy. I've secretly harboured these feelings for the man who only sees me as a friend. To hide myself I put on the lady loving act so I'm accepted. But tonight, you made me feel normal for once. You made me feel like being gay is normal, that gay men can act like any other couple. And I thank you for that. Despite the lovely time we shared, I can't forget my feelings for Masato. So Tokki, I can't apologize enough for stringing you along. I deeply hope you can accept my heartfelt apology." Ren observed as he spoke Tokiya's slight nod.

  
"I'm glad you rejected me outright." Tokiya stood up without looking at Ren.  He couldn't show the other male his hurt face and make him feel any worse. "Thank you, Ren.  See you at practice tomorrow. I'll be fine.  Nothing will have changed between us." Tokiya promptly walked away leaving Ren alone on the bench. 

  
"I've really screwed up..." Ren shook his head and sighed as he looked up at the night sky. 

 

  
***

 

  
Their next practice was as normal as ever.  It was like the confession and date never happened. Ren felt terrible about hurting Tokiya, but was also mad at himself for even entertaining the idea that Tokiya could make him forget about his unrequited love. He couldn't believe he was stupid enough to take Tokiya, who was serious about his feelings, out on a date when he obviously couldn't reciprocate those feelings. Ren didn't let his thoughts affect practice at all however. 

  
In the days following, Ren had done some serious thinking and he had realized just how much time he had wasted on his one sided feelings for Masato. He realized how much his heart hurt because of these feelings and what the weight of hiding them was. Before when he tried to rid himself of them he had failed specifically because deep down he didn't want to, or wasn't ready to truly admit that there was no hope of reciprocation. The tiny thread of hope he had left made him cling to the painful feelings. 

  
Ren had decided to finally tell Masato about his feelings despite the almost certain negative response. Ren knew nothing would change if he kept living the way he had been for so long.  He couldn't move on without getting rejected. He realized things would never be the same between the two, but as much as that scared him, he was done living in pain. Ren spent the evening in his room, waiting for Masato to come back.  He was going to tell him no matter what. Masato arrived around 7, and Ren greeted him pleasantly. He wasted no time in getting to his issue. 

  
"There's something I need to tell you." He stated, remaining seated on the couch. 

  
"Alright." Masato sat on the edge of his raised tatami mats, ready to listen to the other. 

  
"Now Hijirikawa, please just hear me out.  I have a lot to say. And it needs to be heard until the end."

  
"Okay." Masato nodded, seeing how serious Ren was. 

  
Ren took a deep breath and spoke with confidence. "Hijirikawa.  I'm gay.  I'm interested in men exclusively. And most importantly, I have been in love with you for a long time now." As he spoke he carefully watched Masato's reactions. The other man had a look of both shock and disgust on his face. Ren continued despite this. "My feelings for you are very painful as I know you will never return them. I'm ashamed to admit it but I've had erotic fantasies involving you as well. I care deeply for you, both romantically and as a friend. I've kept quiet for so long because I treasure you and feared losing you the most. I can see this is a shock, and rightfully so.  I've never let on before, and on purpose at that. But I'm done hiding who I am and what I feel." Ren finally finished.  Masato was absolutely horrified by what he had just been told and it took him a moment before he could speak. 

  
"How could you..." Masato started than stock his hand and stood up. "Such a womanizer, now coming out as a gay man... I can’t even believe that." He looked at Ren angrily.  "And objectifying me?  How could you even, doing such a dirty thing thinking about someone who knows nothing of it?  I didn't realize you were also so perverse." Masato's tone was that of irritation and he was nearly shouting. "We're supposed to be good friends, why would you hide who you are you idiot. I can't even stand to see you, you jerk." Masato stared at the floor. 

  
"Hijirikawa, I’m sorry.  I truly am." He also stood up. "This is who I am... and hiding it was easier than dealing with the backlash otherwise. I even fooled myself, surrounding myself with girls all so I could feel normal. It's not easy being gay, let alone popular and gay.  It was easier to simply play the part, but somewhere along the way it began to be my new normal." Ren shrugged. 

  
"Gay or not, the fact still remains you...  Like me, and that simply can't be.  I'm not like you.  I'll never be like you." Masato stated flatly, his fists clenched. 

  
"I understand that." Ren nodded.  He was surprisingly calm for what this conversation had been about. "Truly Hijirikawa, thank you for the proper rejection." Ren bowed deeply towards the others, showing his sincerity.  "Please don't let this change our friendship.  Think of me as you always have.  I won't change, and I won't hide who I am any longer."

  
"I'll think about it." Masato shook his head and left the room, slamming the door behind him.   
As soon as Masato left, Ren’s composure shattered. He threw himself into his bed and tightly hugged his pillow. Tears began to flow and he bit back the wails that nearly accompanied them. His heart felt like it was being crushed. His feelings trampled upon and all he could do was cry.  No matter how much he wanted to stop, they kept falling. Being rejected like that was painful, and Ren knew it would be but he had never expected the pain to be so intense. He ended up crying himself to sleep. Masato did not return to the room that night. 

 

  
***

 

  
Ren awoke a complete mess. His eyes were terribly puffy and the clothing he fell asleep in was wrinkled. He got up to take a shower, and splashed his face with cold water after to help decrease the swelling. 

  
"Damn... “Ren sighed.  There was an unfamiliar pain in his chest, different from that of unrequited love. He knew seeing Masato would only make it worse, but there was nothing he could do.  He got dressed and headed to get breakfast. Practice was in the morning so he headed to the designated music room.  Things were as usual as ever.  It was as of nothing changed. The dynamic of STARISH wasn't different at all. 

 

Masato approached Ren as he was leaving and asked for a moment of his time. Having to look Masato in the face was painful but he knew he couldn't run. They went to the stairwell that was rarely used. 

  
"Jinguji, I'm sorry for blowing up at you and getting angry last night. I was shocked and confused at your words." Masato looked straight at Ren. "We'll always be friends and this changes nothing in that respect.  However I ask that you stop...  Lewd thoughts of me."  
Ren's tense shoulders visibly relaxed as Masato shattered his fear of losing his oldest friend.  He had been wrong about his reaction in that respect and was glad for it. 

  
"I plan on getting over you." Ren forced a small smile. "Thanks for sticking by me, Hijirikawa." 

  
"I'll leave you be for a while though.  Let me know when I can return to the room."

  
"Thanks. I appreciate it."

  
Masato left Ren standing in the stairwell. Ren was relieved things were going to be alright from now on. His biggest reason for hiding his true self no longer posed a threat.  He knew the road to healing would be a long one, but he knew things would get better after it stopped hurting. 

 

  
***

 

  
It had been nearly a year since Ren was outright rejected by Masato. STARISH had gone on to win the Uta Pri award and continued to gain popularity. Ren had noticed his gaze gravitating towards Tokiya more and more. Even though the boys were split up into different units and working their way to performing at the SSS, Ren kept looking forward to his time with Tokiya. During their practices of Maji Love Revolutions he had always looked forward to the part where he grasped Tokiya's hand.  It didn't take Ren long to realize that he had developed feelings for Tokiya. He almost found it ironic that after such a long time he fell for the man who fell for him. He was determined to tell the other how he felt, even though he knew rejection was likely. 

 

He found Tokiya sitting alone in a chair in the common room one day at decided to take his chance.  He swiftly approached the other male from behind and leaned over the back of the chair.

   
"Hey Tokki." Ren whispered in his ear, causing Tokiya to jump in his seat. 

  
"W-wah?" Tokiya covered his ear and turned his head to look at Ren. 

  
"I was wondering if I could take you out for coffee sometime?" Ren inquired, draping his torso over the chair back. 

  
"You want to talk?  We could do that now." Tokiya responded. 

  
"That’s not what I want." Ren smiled and leaned closer towards Tokiya. 

  
"Then what is it?” Tokiya inquired, a little confused as to what was going on. Ren moved to sit on the arm of the chair, still looking at Tokiya

  
"I would like to, properly this time, take you out on a date." Ren spoke sincerely, and a light blush graced his cheeks. 

  
"..." Tokiya looked shocked at Ren's declaration. He didn't know how to react to such a sudden confession so he continued to stare wide eyed into the other males glistening blue eyes. 

  
"I've realized that I have feelings for you, Tokki." Ren reached out to grasp one of Tokiya's hands. "I'm done running from who I am.  You liked me before, can you like me again? I realize I must sound very selfish but I'm done hiding my feelings."

  
Tokiya looked at him with wide eyes but nodded with a blush. His eyes were filled with emotion, wet and nearly in tears. 

  
"Don't, Tokki." Ren swiftly grasped the other male's face in his hands. He leaned hesitantly towards Tokiya and scooped his lips up in a kiss. 

  
The kiss only made Tokiya's tears fall, as he kissed the other ever so sweetly. Ren knew at that moment Tokiya had been living with the same pain he had been for so long. Tokiya was unable to get over his feelings after being rejected, and thus had been suffering the pain of unrequited love even after such a thorough rejection from Ren. After being rejected by Masato, Ren lost his romantic feelings for his friend and looked at him as just a friend once more. He had so naturally fallen for Tokiya after his heart had begun to heal. He kept looking towards the professional more and more, and it was then he realized he liked Tokiya.  Once he had determined that his feelings were not fleeting, he confessed.  And now they sat together in the warm dusk light, sharing a kiss.   
He moved his hands and tightly hugged Tokiya's shoulders, showing him he was there, and he was his and only his now. 

  
"I care for you Tokki." Ren whispered after he broke the kiss. 

  
"And I you, Ren." Tokiya responded as he wiped away tears with his sleeves. 

  
They smiled at each other, and Ren let go of Tokiya. Tokiya stood up with a smile and grabbed Ren's hand. 

  
"It's late for coffee, but why don't we get some tea before calling it a night?" a Tokiya asked with a blush. 

  
"I would really like that." Ren gently kissed Tokiya's cheek before they walked out of the common room, neither shouldering the pain of unrequited love at last. 


End file.
